Friday, June 12, 2009

A Letter To Esquire Magazine

My friend Beezeley (Nautical Disaster) sent this letter out. I'll let it speak for itself.

I just wanted to share a letter I've just sent off to Esquire in response to their "America's Best Bars" article. Once again, San Diego has been dissed so I figured I'd share my thoughts with them. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it! And if you're trying to wrap yer head around why I'm reading and writing to Esquire, well, let's just keep it moving folks, nothing here to see...
The full San Diego loving letter if you 'keep on reading'.

Dearest Esquire,

I would like to thank you for once again perpetuating the undisputed truth that San Diego is a vapid cultural vacuum that has nothing to offer but Shamu and disappointing sports franchises. After reading your recent "Best Bars In America" article I checked the online database and sure enough there is only ONE San Diego bar mentioned. While the Red Fox Room is surely a fine place to down a few you definitely missed out on not mentioning that if you go to the Hotel Bar next door and order a drink you get to use their pool FOR FREE. Sun, pool, drinks; sure bet for some good times. As thanks for making sure we aren't inundated with pesky outsiders looking for "the San Diego Experience," I will not mention where to go for the best dirty Hendrick's martini that also happens to have great live music for free and inebriated elephants painted on the walls that'll tickle you "pink". I also won't tell you where to get one of the best burgers in town in a fantastic "waterfront" dive bar just a few blocks from the world famous Casbah. I certainly wouldn't want to tell you about one of San Diego's oldest neighborhood bars where you don't need an "alibi" to order one of their spicy Bloody Marys with pickled green beans! Yep, definitely no reason to visit the Capital of Small Breweries (believe it!) And just in case you were wondering, there is absolutely no Local Music Scene to speak of so please don't come here expecting to be entertained by anything resembling a vital community of bands. There are so many more I won't be telling you about (hey Beach Communities, you'll have to lobby yourselves for all the reasons no one should visit the half million or so dive bars in your neighborhoods!) 'cause really, LA and San Francisco are truly the only noteworthy cities in California and you really wouldn't want to bother yourself with us. We thank you and our hard working bartenders thank you! By the way, I believe there was a mistake in your listing for Tucson. The Buffet is the Scariest Bar in America. It's like walking into a David Lynch film without all of the Magical Wonder leaving only a sinister dread that something terribly terribly wrong is about to happen. At two in the afternoon.

San Diego's Warmest Regards,



Lazy John said...

SSSHHH! Don't give that yuppie rag's readers any reason to invade your scene. Those are precisely the types of people you DON'T want at your favorite venues, restaurants and bars. Take the Portland stance - tell people your town sucks and that none of them should live here. Protect your home turf via negative publicity.

Unknown said...

Oh, I know, it's just sometimes...urggg! I'm like Popeye, "I've taken all I can takes and I can't takes no more!" Oh well, time to slip back into obscurity...