|Mani the Tamandua and San Diego Zoo Explorers Basecamp (Taken 6.6.22)|
What a day. I was in a place earlier today, so I want to write briefly because my day got so much better. I'll tell you all about it after the jump.
- mental illness marked by periods of great excitement or euphoria, delusions, and overactivity."many people suffering from mania do not think anything is wrong"
- Similar: madness, derangement, dementia, insanity, lunacy, dementedness, psychosis, schizophrenia, mental illness, delirium, frenzy, hysteria, raving, violence, wildness
- an excessive enthusiasm or desire; an obsession.
After my earlier post on Instagram/Facebook, I found out that so many friends are going through the same shit. It doesn't make me feel better that other people are positive or sick, but just realizing how far and wide my community spreads was comforting. I'm sorry for everyone else, we'll get through this, and I'll at least do my part to stay home. I learned a lot, too, and understand why people aren't isolating as long as they should or working through illness and until something bigger than all of us occurs, we've got to power through with the best means we have and to the best of our ability. I can't imagine this if (a) I didn't have a solid WFH job (b) I didn't have a separate studio to isolate. And I definitely did not give Darren enough credit for how much this sucks for him and Nova, not to mention the burden I've put on my Godsister to solely help my mom with my dad until I'm in the clear.
As much as we think we are alone, there are little solar systems all within our universes and I should've taken more time today, in my fully sullen moments, to try and muster some gratitude. But maybe doing it now counts for something. So I shall.
I was super angry and bitter and sad and awful today. Put the mix of COVID-19, menstruation, achy body from cleaning, cot-sleeping, not eating adequately, and the general pressure of making sure I have not infected my family or my pets and I was a mess. Thus mania. Both definitions fit here.
But the day moved on as days do. Darren eventually took Nova to her UCSD residential program where she was tested before check-in and she was in the clear. He ran some errands. He picked up cat food which is in short supply everywhere. He gave me space. He asked what I needed. And then he got tacos.
And suddenly we both realized what balls of stress we were (or I always am and he just took some fall with me) and everything was good again. And honestly, I'm feeling good! Not great. Still never 100%...but again...allergies, periods, summer, parenting demands, pet ownership demands, financial demands...and I was like maybe I'm good for some drinks?
Don't get me wrong. I know I can feel way worse. Tuesday and Wednesday taught me that so cruelly. But also, we have no kid for the week, I can't go anywhere, so all I'll have is time -- to sleep, to clean, to work, to organize my latest 30k zoo and show photos, to recover from any potential fallout or hangover. And evidence says I'm just trying to expel this viral load from my nose. I don't have any wheezing or coughing or sinus or ear issues like I did those first two days, so why not a casual outside night with my amazing partner, with the pets free to roam the yard and visit with me, and a couple adult bevvies? (Did I mention he's off until Wednesday?)
For months (2 years?) I stressed about everything. I missed some amazing concerts because my thinking was, if I got sick there, would it have been worth it? My answer was always no. Granted, the vaccine situation was more precarious in 2021, my dad was in the hospital, blah, blah, blah. But, as Darren keeps telling me, this is "Revenge Summer" so everyone is raging hard and thinking a little less about consequences. Even masked up almost always, I let my guard down and caught this little bugger. I am sorry if anyone caught it from me before I knew I had it, but I'll at least keep staying isolated until I test negative. Plus 3 days. Or maybe. Or that is the goal. Moving goalposts help nobody, but that's where we are as a nation, no?
But to be real, I'm not isolated. As I mentioned the amazing people who are brave enough to admit online that they're positive and doing the best they can to quarantine, if not isolate completely. And once Darren took Nova to UCSD, we had to go back to the fact that we do have a big yard, if not beautiful for lack of watering because California drought says dry leaves and the dirty yellow ground is sometimes the best we can get, but we got a solid few hours outside, at opposite ends of an 8' long table, sometimes talking, sometimes eating, sometimes playing all of our --ordle games on our phones, and sometimes just being cool with being near each other before we left each other to sleep and breathe in our own air in our separate apartments. Keeping two apartments has never made more sense than now and we are so lucky to have been able to do so. I cannot even fathom the challenges so many families face/d under one roof with positive cases. Again, just in a post of gratitude, all of those people should be acknowledged and celebrated.
I can only be me, do me, and tell it like it is...for me.
I guess I'll find out on Monday if Sunday, Day 5, Crown Royal was a mistake. And I've got lots more cleaning left to go. If 2 years didn't force it, these two weeks just might.
I love you all. Stay safe out there.