Thursday, April 02, 2020

CoVid-19 Diary: Some Days Are Better Than Others

A throwback pic for September 2019 after swimming at La Jolla Cove

We are so lucky not to be sick. I know that. And it's important that I say that off the bat, as sort of a disclaimer before I dive in.

But like everyone, we are struggling through the stay home order. My problems are not more important or significant than anyone else's, they're just my own and I'm trying to give myself the room to feel my feelings without undercutting myself dismissively with "could be worse." I'm trying to maintain perspective, but hey, id/ego/superego battle it out and sometimes you can feel like this is happening to only you, especially when you are isolating. This is super obvious looking at comments on news stories on Facebook. I get all of that, and don't want to pile on the whine, but today just felt especially shitty.

What's weighing on me today? Adam Schlesinger died from complications caused by Covid-19. He was Darren's age. Just yesterday they said he was doing better. His band was one of the first I saw when I was finally able to go to 21+ shows. My sick friends can't get tests. We're going to run out of parmesan cheese.  We don't have on site laundry. Rent and bills are still coming. We got a new property management company, a very tone-deaf maneuver with a very tone-deaf company. I don't have health insurance. Scientists are suggesting the Coronavirus lingers a lot longer than we'd previously been told. Donald Trump is still president. My dog has been eating the poo left in the yard from a feral rabbit. My music and industry friends are all suffering massive income losses. Some businesses won't survive this. And on. And on. And on.

These are all things that consume my brain and my heart. And obviously OBVIOUSLY OBVIOUSLY they are not equal, but when you're brain is spiraling, every single thing is a major thing because you have to displace feelings. I mean, when Darren pointed out the parm shortage in the house, that was kinda the thing that broke me. That stupid, dumb, trivial thing just bubbled up all the other feelings and right now, there are too many feelings. Because it's not about the cheese. It's about the anxiety of eventually having to go to another store, or the laundromat, and potentially exposing ourselves to something that can literally just hang in the air for hours. Something that can literally kill us. Or my dad. Or my sister in law who is going through radiation for breast cancer. And if one of us in my house gets it, we'll all get it, because we don't have a way to realistically isolate.

I watched less news today than usual, but caught enough to feel the grim outlook. More people are infected in San Diego. 849 tested positive and have reported. But more grocery workers and public safety people have tested positive. San Diego let 2300 people off a cruise ship on Monday and only after was it revealed that a passenger tested positive. The entire shipload of people are supposed to self-quarantine for 14 days, but all of those people have been on a lengthy cruise...obviously they need to go shopping to re-up on groceries and supplies, perhaps unknowingly spreading the virus out into the world even further. And it's little comfort that only 17 of those passengers are San Diegans...all the others have to drive or fly home, spreading whatever to wherever.

It really can be exasperating. So I have to look at the good stuff: Everyone in my household is healthy. My family outside of my direct household are all holding up okay. Darren can't work right now, but so far my income is in tact. I got a kind and generous donation to my PayPal. We're still planning the North Park Festival of Arts for 2020, albeit at a later date. We have the things we need in our house to stay home for awhile (well, except parm apparently.) My animals are enjoying all the extra attention. Staying proactive informed and writing works for me much better than sitting and sulking and freaking out about every sniffle or sneeze or cough. We'll do our best to get through this like everyone else. And we'll mourn the ones who don't. And we'll accept the new reality of the world we live in when we get to the other side.

Covid-19: How long does the coronavirus last on surfaces? - BBC (3/17/2020)
I Know the Day We Got It - The Cut
How to Sew a Face Mask - NY Times

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